I think it is finally hitting me. I feel like I have been sucker punched. Maybe it is a combination of working to get things more settled with my niece while working with my son’s teacher to help get him back on track. Maybe it’s the receiving of the death certificate. I’m just feeling alone and sad. My only sister died and I didn’t get the chance to say good-bye. This sister would do anything for me. She gave up the pink stereo because I wanted it. She let me have her brown curly haired doll because I hated the blond straight haired one. She came to watch C for me when he was first born so that J could be with me at my finals for my last semester of college. Not for any other reason than because I wanted him there with me and she made sure to make that happen.

We laughed together, she protected me from bullies, she made sure no kid made fun of me when I kept breaking bones growing up. She finally taught me to swim, after I was done being broken. She let me borrow her clothes. She could be mean as hell. We had some of the best and worse fights ever. She drove me around in her first car – when it was uncool to do so. I was always the kid sister tagging along, but I don’t think she minded.

She knew how to play a good joke and how to laugh and have fun. She knew how to help me hide evidence from an unsanctioned party while the parents were out of town. I hope she was happy. And I hope she knew how much we loved her, even when we were not good about making a point to say it. Even though we were far flung, she was always only a phone call from me. I hope she knew how much I loved having these moments in my photo library…

And how hard it is for me to have to say good-bye.

* Comments closed for my sake, thanks all for your good thoughts.